Changing

Sometimes I think that it’s not for me
That this whole thing is just a dream +
Most of the time it hurts like death and most of the time I do feel dead
Dead to the possibilities that I could only dream up but never experience
What should last eludes me; my world is just a kaleidoscope of change
Nothing stays the same long enough for me to breathe it in
It seems like the universe is running away from me, it doesn’t embrace me like it should
It pushes me aside and tosses out my ideas and leaves me feeling drained and worthless
Where’s the strength that I’m supposed to have
This false resilience that has me held up in mock pride is fading fast
Its sheer will that’s keeping me afloat above my tears
My muscles are weak and my heart is giving out
It’s only a matter of time before it all ends

This demon

it's here again,
this demon in my mind that puts uncertainty in my heart and soils my spirit
it pushes aside my reasoning and clouds my happiness
this demon from where it comes I don't know
there has to be a way to fight off this disease that is decaying my self respect and contaminating my common sense
I scream and moan at this demon yet I let it control me; use me; devour me
until there's nothing left but a pitiful, sorry shadow of me
that casts starkness over my very will to exist; to live; to love
someone help ; my insecurity is killing me